if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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