remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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