My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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