it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
