Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
