Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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