I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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