how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
