I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Randomize
