I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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