Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
