On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Randomize
