Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Floor bacon is actually really good
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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