I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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