Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
