sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
