Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
