I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
