my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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