It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
