I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
