I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
