Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
