Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
It's Friday. Sex?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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