So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
