so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
