My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
last night I used snow as a chaser
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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