Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
