oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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