Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
