the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
