youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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