News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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