I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
