Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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