Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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