I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
