Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
