what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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