The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
