i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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