So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
