A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
