I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
