Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
