Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
