wrigley field is MILF paradise
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
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