i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I am one with the molecules
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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