I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Go christen that room with your naked body.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
