Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
