then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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