Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Vodka?
Forever.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
